By Ken Hollow, unwilling PR casualty and buzzword hostage
Press releases are the cockroaches of corporate communication. Eternal, indestructible, and impossible to kill. Every company insists they need one, even though no one reads them except journalists who skim for quotes to mock and interns forced to format them in Word.
But the real crime? They all read like they were written by the same soulless AI — and not the fun kind. A Frankenstein monster stitched together from buzzwords, empty promises, and “commitments to excellence” that mean nothing.
The Mad Lib Formula
Every press release follows the same cursed template:
- [Company Name] is “thrilled to announce” [Initiative/Product], which will “redefine” [Industry/Buzzword].
- Quote from the CEO: “We are excited to leverage our unique synergy to deliver innovative solutions at scale.”
- Quote from a partner brand: “We are proud to collaborate with [Company] to unlock unprecedented opportunities.”
- Closing line: “This launch marks a significant milestone in our mission to disrupt the future of [Something].”
It’s like playing corporate Mad Libs. Pick three adjectives from the buzzword list, slap in a meaningless quote, and boom — you’ve got a press release.
The Buzzword Graveyard
Here are words that have lost all meaning:
- “Innovative”
- “Disruptive”
- “Cutting-edge”
- “Game-changing”
- “Scalable”
- “Visionary”
- “Synergy”
- “Customer-centric”
If I had a dollar for every time I read “cutting-edge,” I’d have enough to fund a startup that releases nothing but sarcastic press releases. (Tagline: “We are thrilled to disrupt disruption itself.”)
Nana’s First Press Release
Yes, Nana once insisted on issuing a press release. About what? Her new line of velvet robes. She dictated the following:
“Nana Vix is delighted to unveil her transcendent robe collection, a visionary leap forward in mystical comfort. This launch represents a significant milestone in the cultural reclamation of velvet.”
I sent it out. Two blogs covered it. One headline read: “Influencer Fox Spirit Launches Cult Couture.” Honestly? Better than most Fortune 500 coverage.
The Fake Quotes
The best part of press releases is the quotes. Always fake. Always written by the PR team. No human being has ever naturally said: “We are proud to leverage our deep commitment to excellence in partnership with global leaders.”
If you asked a CEO at gunpoint to repeat their own quote, they couldn’t. They’d blink and say, “Did I really say that?” No, Karen. You didn’t. Cheryl from PR wrote it while crying into her latte.
Why Do We Keep Doing This?
Because press releases aren’t for humans. They’re for:
- Search engines – SEO fluff disguised as announcements.
- Shareholders – Legal reassurance that “things are happening.”
- Journalists – Who ctrl+f for numbers and ignore the rest.
- Executives’ egos – Proof that their “visionary milestone” made it to BusinessWire.
The rest of us? We suffer in silence.
Final Thoughts From the Buzzword Pile
Press releases aren’t communication. They’re performance art. A ritual sacrifice to the gods of SEO and investor confidence. And like all rituals, they’re hollow, repetitive, and deeply cursed.
If you ever find yourself writing one, do yourself a favor: replace every buzzword with “banana.” At least then someone might read it.
Ken Hollow, recovering press release victim and part-time banana enthusiast
Hi. I’m Ken. I run Two Second Solutions, a one-man agency that somehow landed a fox spirit influencer as a client. I drink too much coffee, blog when I need to vent, and regularly update my résumé just in case she sets the office on fire again. I’m not crying — it’s just spell residue.