Why SEO Advice Online Is Either Useless or Written by Satan

by Ken Hollow, ranking #157 for the keyword “despair”

Let me set the scene: it’s 2:37AM. I’m hunched over my laptop in a bathrobe that hasn’t known joy (or detergent) in weeks, staring at Google Search Console like it’s about to personally apologize to me. Spoiler: it doesn’t.

I’m on page 9 for keywords I didn’t even remember targeting. Somehow, I rank for “feral raccoon vibes” but not for my painstakingly optimized post about digital identity. I’ve tried everything. Meta tags, alt text, structured data, human sacrifice. Still nothing.

The internet is full of advice. Unfortunately, most of it appears to have been generated either by AI hallucinating in a server closet or by people who haven’t touched a blog since 2011.

The SEO “Tips” That Broke Me

If you’ve ever Googled “how to rank a blog,” you’ve seen them:

• “Just write quality content!”
• “Google rewards expertise!”
• “Use long-tail keywords!”
• “Build backlinks naturally by existing as a charismatic woodland creature with a verified badge!”

Here’s the thing: I’ve done all that. My content? Chef’s kiss. My expertise? I’ve been yelling into the void of the internet since before TikTok was a gleam in Vine’s dead eye. Long-tail keywords? I used one so long it became a novel.

And yet? Page. Nine.

Page. Friggin’. Nine.

The Problem With Modern SEO Advice

It falls into three categories:

1. Vague Platitudes That Say Nothing
   • “Google just wants to help users!”
   • Wow, thanks. So do I. That’s why I installed a chatbot that sends users fox memes and life advice at 3AM.
2. Overcomplicated Technical Jargon
   • “Ensure your site implements dynamic rendering with lazy loading using a headless CMS connected to an API gateway proxy cache.”
   • Buddy, I just learned how to update a plugin without having a panic attack.
3. Straight-Up Witchcraft
   • “Use moon phases to time your blog uploads.”
   • “Google favors URLs that rhyme.”
   • “If you whisper ‘Matt Cutts’ into a mirror three times, your DA will increase.”

And you know what? I believe them. Because nothing else has worked.

A Brief Breakdown of My Strategy (and Sanity)

• Researched keywords: ✅
• Wrote useful, funny, well-structured blogs: ✅
• Optimized slugs, meta descriptions, and headers: ✅
• Built an actual sitemap, like a responsible adult: ✅
• Offered my soul to the algorithm in a handwritten letter: ✅

My reward? An average position of 74. And a broken spirit.

Meanwhile, some dude named “CryptoMaster420” who posts AI-generated listicles about affiliate programs is ranking #1 for “how to start a personal brand.”

Google’s Algorithm: A Sadistic Enigma

I imagine the algorithm as a moody, over-caffeinated librarian who punishes me for using the same word twice but rewards Karen Blogs-a-Lot for writing “How I Built My 7-Figure Coaching Biz Using Gratitude and Intermittent Fasting.”

It makes no sense.

I used to think SEO was a science. Now I’m convinced it’s just a chaotic neutral demigod rolling a d20 to decide who gets clicks.

The Rise of AI-Generated SEO Slop

Oh, and let’s not forget our dear friend: content velocity. Because if you’re not posting 87 articles a day about “best ergonomic chairs for introverts,” apparently you’re not trying hard enough.

I’ve seen websites that read like a word salad made by a sleep-deprived bot—no formatting, no voice, no soul—and they’re dominating SERPs.

It’s like Google saw my carefully crafted satire and said, “Nah, give me something that feels like it was written by a mildly sentient potato.”

Let’s Talk About Backlinks (a.k.a. Legalized Desperation)

Everyone says the same thing:

“Build high-quality backlinks!”

Cool. How? Do I barter for them in the town square? Mail pigeons with bribes? Start dating a domain authority 70+ site?

I tried writing guest posts. One editor ghosted me. Another said my tone was “too emotionally unstable.” A third wanted $600 for a sponsored slot next to an article titled “What Is Moisture?”

Backlinking feels like asking someone to hang out, but professionally.

Ken’s SEO Belief System (2025 Edition):

• E-A-T: Expertise, Authoritativeness, and Tiredness
• Content is King: But the king is old, confused, and dethroned by clickbait
• Google Loves Originality: Unless it’s too original, then it’s confusing
• User Experience Matters: Unless you’re ranking for “cat playing piano,” in which case, chaos reigns

How I Actually Got a Ranking Boost (You Won’t Like This)

One of my blog posts—about AI girlfriends, naturally—randomly got picked up on Reddit. The traffic spike made Google think I was relevant for a brief, shining moment. That one article still ranks.

Everything else? Back in the void.

Which means my current SEO strategy is basically:

Hope for virality. Pray to the subreddit gods. Cry into analytics. Repeat.

Final Thoughts Before I Eat My Keyboard

If you came here hoping for a real SEO guide, I’m sorry. The only guide I can offer is this: prepare your soul, your snacks, and your sarcasm.

The truth is, the landscape changes every 45 minutes, and the people ranking on page 1 either:

• Work for Google
• Sacrificed a goat
• Accidentally hacked the system via memes

So if you’re like me—blogging daily, following best practices, and still losing to a site called “BuzzMunch360.net”—you’re not alone.

You’re just in SEO hell.

We have cookies. But the recipe isn’t ranking.

Ken Hollow, former SEO optimist, current algorithmic pessimist