Performance Reviews Are Just Creative Writing Exercises
By Ken Hollow, reluctant novelist of corporate fiction Performance reviews are supposed to measure your work. In reality, they’re creative writing assignments where everyone pretends.…
Burnout Diaries
Return-to-Office Is Just Nostalgia for Micromanagement
By Ken Hollow, reluctant commuter in pajama pants
The great promise of remote work was freedom: no commute, no awkward breakroom small talk, no boss peering over your shoulder. Naturally, companies hated it. Enter the Return-to-Office mandate — the corporate equivalent of your parents telling you that “family dinners build character.” In reality, it’s just nostalgia for micromanagement dressed up as “restoring culture.”
The Official Reasons They Give
- “We need to restore collaboration.” Translation: we miss surveilling you in person.
- “Innovation thrives in the office.” Translation: executives are bored in their corner suites.
- “Our culture depends on face-to-face interaction.” Translation: we paid a 20-year lease and the office furniture isn’t going to depreciate itself.
Apparently, Zoom killed creativity. Not the endless meetings, not the lack of resources, not leadership’s questionable vision — no, it was working from your couch.
What It Actually Means
Return-to-office mandates aren’t about culture. They’re about:
- Control: Managers can’t stand not knowing if you’re working or folding laundry.
- Real Estate: Empty offices look bad on the quarterly report.
- Ego: Executives miss their captive audience.
It’s less about collaboration and more about proving they’re still in charge. “Culture” is just the bait. Micromanagement is the hook.
The Commute to Nowhere
RTO means reviving the worst ritual of all: the commute. Wake up early, fight traffic, pay for parking, sit in fluorescent purgatory… only to spend all day on the same Zoom calls you could’ve joined from your kitchen.
But now you get to do it while drinking burnt coffee from a Keurig no one cleans. Collaboration!
Nana’s Rebellion
Nana took one look at the RTO memo and laughed. She announced she would only return to the office if:
- The boardroom was converted into a velvet-lined ritual chamber.
- Raccoons were granted free roam as “morale officers.”
- Every Monday meeting began with a bonfire.
Shockingly, HR declined. So she staged her own RTO protest — appearing in the office unannounced at midnight, lighting candles, and declaring herself “Chief Culture Officer.” Honestly? Still more inspiring than any actual leadership speech I’ve seen.
The Myth of Office Culture
Let’s be real: “office culture” was never free snacks and ping pong tables. It was:
- Awkward birthday cakes in the breakroom.
- Forced small talk by the printer.
- A manager lurking behind your chair while you pretended to look busy.
Remote work didn’t kill culture. It just revealed how shallow it was to begin with.
Final Thoughts From the Fluorescent Dungeon
Return-to-office mandates aren’t about collaboration, innovation, or culture. They’re about nostalgia for micromanagement and a desperate attempt to justify expensive office leases.
If companies really cared about culture, they’d stop forcing us into traffic and start respecting our time. Until then, I’ll be here in my pajama pants, declining your calendar invites.
Ken Hollow, pajama-clad exile from the fluorescent dungeon
Hi. I’m Ken. I run Two Second Solutions, a one-man agency that somehow landed a fox spirit influencer as a client. I drink too much coffee, blog when I need to vent, and regularly update my résumé just in case she sets the office on fire again. I’m not crying — it’s just spell residue.
