Quarterly Reports Are Just Corporate Fanfiction

By Ken Hollow, reluctant reader of financial fantasies

Quarterly reports are corporate fanfiction. That’s it. That’s the whole piece. Every three months, companies release a 40-page PDF filled with charts, buzzwords, and “narratives” that are less truthful than a Wattpad vampire romance. Shareholders nod, analysts pretend to understand, and somewhere an intern cries over Excel formulas that broke five minutes before the deadline.

The Plot Devices of Quarterly Fanfic

Every quarterly report follows the same tropes:

• The Hero’s Journey: “Despite headwinds, we’ve persevered and are stronger than ever.” Translation: We lost money, but please clap.
• The Unexpected Villain: “Macroeconomic conditions impacted growth.” Blaming the economy is the corporate version of “the dog ate my homework.”
• The Love Interest: “We remain committed to our customers.” Sure, Jan. You raised subscription fees again.
• The Cliffhanger: “We’re excited for the opportunities ahead.” Spoiler: they’re not.

It’s narrative dressing on a bowl of cold, hard numbers — and half the numbers are massaged into submission.

Charts as World-Building

Quarterly reports love a good chart. Bar graphs, pie charts, line graphs that look like rollercoasters. None of them actually explain what’s happening. They just look official, like a fantasy map.

Revenue is down? Flip the chart upside down, stretch the y-axis, and suddenly it looks like growth. It’s visual gaslighting with pastel colors.

One time, Nana presented her “quarterly ritual report” using tarot cards. It was somehow more accurate than the actual report I was reviewing. The Tower card nailed our Q2 performance.

The Glossary of Lies

Phrases you’ll always find:

• “Adjusted earnings” – We lied, but with math.
• “One-time expense” – It’s happened five quarters in a row.
• “Customer-centric” – Customers hate us, but please don’t sell the stock.
• “Strong fundamentals” – We have no fundamentals, but saying this buys time.
• “Positioned for growth” – We are not growing. At all.

Corporate language is its own fanfic genre — and it’s bad writing.

Shareholders as the Fandom

Quarterly reports are fanfiction, shareholders are the fandom. They want to believe in the characters. They want the arc to continue. They’ll forgive plot holes the size of Jupiter as long as the “next chapter” promises redemption.

Analysts are basically fanfic reviewers: “Strong character development, but weak pacing. Recommend Hold.”

Nana’s Quarterly Special

Naturally, Nana insists on publishing her own quarterly reports. Q1 included:

• Raccoon engagement up 300%.
• Candle sales “adjusted for vibes” showed a 20% increase.
• Customer satisfaction rated in moon phases: waning crescent.

Her “forward-looking statements” involved “banishing capitalism by Q4.” Honestly? More compelling than anything in the S&P 500.

Final Thoughts From the Spreadsheet Abyss

Quarterly reports aren’t reports. They’re corporate fanfiction — filled with tropes, bad writing, and a desperate attempt to keep the fandom (shareholders) invested in the plot. They tell stories, not truths. They dress up losses as “narrative arcs” and slap charts over problems like glitter on a dumpster fire.

So next time you read a quarterly report, don’t treat it like gospel. Treat it like what it is: speculative fiction. And maybe ask yourself if you really want to be part of this fandom.

Ken Hollow, unpaid fanfic critic of financial fantasies