Performance Reviews Are Just Creative Writing Exercises

By Ken Hollow, reluctant novelist of corporate fiction

Performance reviews are supposed to measure your work. In reality, they’re creative writing assignments where everyone pretends. You pretend you’ve “grown.” Your manager pretends they’ve “coached.” HR pretends this whole charade matters. It’s fiction — bad fiction — written under fluorescent lighting.

The Self-Assessment Saga

The first chapter is always the self-assessment. You log into the cursed HR portal and answer prompts like, “Describe how you embodied company values this year.”

Translation: Write corporate fanfiction starring yourself.

• “I demonstrated leadership by taking initiative in cross-functional synergies.” (I sent one email.)
• “I innovated workflows to maximize efficiency.” (I made a spreadsheet.)
• “I embraced our core value of integrity.” (I didn’t commit fraud. Congrats to me.)

It’s not evaluation. It’s improv theater with a word count.

The Manager’s Feedback

Next comes the manager’s novella. A mix of vague compliments and backhanded critiques:

• “Ken consistently delivers results, though he can improve communication.” Translation: I ignore Slack messages.
• “Ken is a valuable team player, but should work on visibility.” Translation: I keep my camera off in Zoom.
• “Ken is developing as a leader.” Translation: They couldn’t think of anything else to say.

Managers write like they’re trying to win a Pulitzer in Ambiguity. Nothing specific, nothing actionable — just vibes.

The Rating System of Doom

Then comes the arbitrary rating scale. One to five. Meets expectations, exceeds expectations, blah blah blah. Everyone knows:

• 3 = You’re fine, stop asking.
• 4 = We like you, but not enough to pay you more.
• 5 = Doesn’t exist. Unicorns, Bigfoot, and “5s” are equally real.

One year, Nana reviewed me. She gave me a Moon Phase Rating System:

• Full Moon = Thriving.
• Waning Crescent = Struggling.
• New Moon = Please log off immediately.

Honestly? More useful than the corporate system.

The “Growth Areas” Section

This is the part where managers turn into creative writers. “Growth areas” are just made-up flaws to fill space:

• “Could be more proactive in meetings.” (I don’t talk because meetings are useless.)
• “Needs to expand technical skillset.” (What, like juggling?)
• “Should focus on building stronger relationships.” (I don’t want to go to happy hour, Karen.)

They invent weaknesses so they don’t have to give you a raise. It’s world-building for denial.

Why HR Loves the Ritual

• Documentation Theater: Pretend to track performance in case they need to fire someone.
• Illusion of Meritocracy: Convince employees that raises are based on “results,” not vibes.
• Annual Distraction: Make everyone too busy writing reviews to notice nothing changes.

Performance reviews don’t measure work. They measure how well you can write bland fiction in corporate dialect.

Final Thoughts From the Review Dungeon

Performance reviews are novels no one wants to read. They’re creative writing exercises disguised as accountability. Managers write fanfic about your “growth areas.” You write fanfic about your “leadership skills.” HR binds it all into a PDF and calls it development.

If they really wanted an honest review, it would just say: “Work got done. Pay this person fairly.” But no, we’re stuck roleplaying our way through “corporate Hogwarts” once a year.

Ken Hollow, reluctant novelist, one-star character in HR’s extended universe