Performance Reviews Are Just Creative Writing Exercises
By Ken Hollow, reluctant novelist of corporate fiction Performance reviews are supposed to measure your work. In reality, they’re creative writing assignments where everyone pretends.…
Burnout Diaries
Project Deadlines Are Just Fictional Dates
By Ken Hollow, unwilling time traveler through calendar chaos
Project deadlines are fictional. They’re not based on reality, resources, or reason. They’re dates picked out of thin air by a manager who thinks slapping “Q3 Deliverable” on a calendar is the same as project planning. They’re made-up milestones we all pretend to chase until panic mode hits.
The Birth of a Deadline
Deadlines are conceived during a meeting where no actual work is happening:
- Someone asks, “When can this be done?”
- Someone else panics and blurts out, “End of the month?”
- Leadership nods like it’s divine prophecy.
Congratulations. A deadline is born. Reality was not consulted.
The Life Cycle of a Deadline
- Announcement: The date is set. No one believes it.
- Denial: Everyone pretends the timeline is fine. Slack is quiet. Dashboards look green.
- Panic: Two weeks out, suddenly there are 47 stand-ups a day.
- Scope Creep: Half the project gets added late “to maximize impact.”
- All-Nighters: Burnout becomes the official project plan.
- The Miss: The deadline whooshes by. Nobody’s surprised.
- The Spin: Leadership calls it a “phased rollout” and congratulates the team.
Repeat quarterly until morale collapses.
The Tools of Fiction
- Gantt Charts: Fantasy timelines written in rainbow bars.
- Dashboards: Optimism visualized as pie charts.
- Status Updates: Performance art where everyone lies about progress.
One time, I saw a Gantt chart with overlapping timelines that would require three versions of me working in parallel. If cloning existed, management would mandate it.
Nana’s Deadline System
Nana doesn’t do deadlines. She does prophecies. Her system:
- Major launches tied to full moons.
- Timelines dictated by raccoon migration patterns.
- Deliverables marked “Complete” when the velvet feels right.
Shockingly, her track record isn’t worse than actual project management.
Why Deadlines Persist
- Illusion of Control: Managers can’t stop time, but they can pretend to.
- Blame Shifting: When things fail, it’s the deadline’s fault, not the planning.
- Executive Theater: Deadlines look great on slides, even if they’re fantasy.
It’s not about progress. It’s about maintaining the appearance of progress.
Final Thoughts From the Calendar Abyss
Deadlines are less “commitments” and more “corporate horoscopes.” They give structure to chaos, but they’re fictional dates set by people who won’t actually do the work. And when they pass unmet, leadership spins it as a “learning opportunity.”
So next time someone says, “We need this by end of quarter,” just remember: you’re not managing time. You’re participating in collective calendar fanfiction.
Ken Hollow, unwilling time traveler, victim of fictional dates, survivor of Gantt chart lies
Hi. I’m Ken. I run Two Second Solutions, a one-man agency that somehow landed a fox spirit influencer as a client. I drink too much coffee, blog when I need to vent, and regularly update my résumé just in case she sets the office on fire again. I’m not crying — it’s just spell residue.
