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By Ken Hollow, sentient content shell and personal brand in terminal decay There comes a time in every creator’s journey when you wake up, stare…
Burnout Diaries
OKRs Are Just New Year’s Resolutions With Graphs
By Ken Hollow, reluctant goal-setter and spreadsheet victim
Every January, normal people lie to themselves with New Year’s resolutions: “I’ll run every day. I’ll stop eating sugar. I’ll finally learn French.” By February, it’s over. Corporate life does the exact same thing, except it calls them OKRs — Objectives and Key Results — and wraps the delusion in bar graphs and pastel dashboards.
The Fantasy of Objectives
Every company sets its OKRs with wide-eyed optimism:
- “Double engagement by Q2.” Translation: Post more memes.
- “Launch three innovative product lines.” Translation: Rebrand the same thing with new buzzwords.
- “Expand into international markets.” Translation: Send one intern to Paris with a Canva deck.
They’re not goals. They’re corporate vision boards. And just like vision boards, they’ll gather dust until someone quietly shoves them into a Google Drive folder labeled “Archive.”
The Curse of Key Results
The “Key Results” are supposed to be measurable milestones. In practice:
- “Grow revenue by 25%.” Bold, but sure, let’s manifest that.
- “Hire 50 new employees.” Great, in a job market where no one wants to work here.
- “Improve customer satisfaction scores.” With what? Free pizza?
Key Results are basically bullet-point horoscopes. They sound specific, but they’re just vague enough that leadership can claim success no matter what happens.
Q1 Enthusiasm, Q2 Amnesia
The OKR life cycle looks like this:
- January: Big kick-off meeting. Leaders preach about “alignment” while everyone nods like they understand.
- March: Dashboards fill up with colorful progress bars. Hope is alive.
- June: Progress bars stall. Excuses roll in. “Macroeconomic headwinds” become the villain.
- September: Everyone quietly stops mentioning OKRs.
- December: Leadership declares victory anyway. “We didn’t hit 100%, but we achieved learnings!”
It’s the corporate equivalent of buying a gym membership and then bragging about how you “focused on mindfulness instead.”
Nana’s Alternative OKRs
Nana, of course, made her own version:
- Objective: “Expand mystical influence.”
- Key Result: Summon three raccoon armies by Q2.
- Objective: “Elevate velvet’s cultural significance.”
- Key Result: At least one Vogue feature.
- Objective: “Banishing capitalism by Q4.”
- Key Result: TBD.
Shockingly, she’s more on track than half the companies I’ve worked with.
Why Companies Love Them
- Illusion of Control: Nothing screams “leadership” like pretending you can plan the future in bullet points.
- Spreadsheet Theater: Graphs and dashboards look impressive, even when they mean nothing.
- Blame Deflection: When goals fail, just blame the Key Results, not the Objectives.
- Endless Meetings: Entire departments exist to “align” OKRs, which is code for “talk in circles.”
It’s not strategy. It’s fanfiction.
Final Thoughts From the Dashboard Graveyard
OKRs are corporate New Year’s resolutions: ambitious, vague, doomed. They start with confetti and end with excuses. They give leadership something to chant about in town halls while everyone else quietly ignores them.
So the next time someone says, “Let’s align our OKRs,” just remember: you’re not setting strategy. You’re LARPing as a life coach with access to Excel.
Ken Hollow, failed resolution keeper, professional dashboard skeptic
Hi. I’m Ken. I run Two Second Solutions, a one-man agency that somehow landed a fox spirit influencer as a client. I drink too much coffee, blog when I need to vent, and regularly update my résumé just in case she sets the office on fire again. I’m not crying — it’s just spell residue.
