By Ken Hollow, unwilling landlord to capitalism
Remember when remote work was supposed to be freedom? No more commutes, no more office politics, just pajamas and productivity. Instead, what we got was corporate squatting. Your home isn’t yours anymore. It’s a branch office, a satellite hub, a place where capitalism pitches a tent in your living room and refuses to leave.
The Annexation of Your Space
- The Desk: Once a place for hobbies or bills, now colonized by dual monitors and a company-issued webcam that watches you age in real time.
- The Kitchen Table: Permanently covered in notebooks, half-dead pens, and HR paperwork. Dinner is now “hotdesking.”
- The Couch: Once a sacred relaxation zone. Now a mobile workstation where you answer Slack messages while pretending to watch Netflix.
Congratulations. You’ve been annexed. Your landlord? The company.
The Fake Freedom of Remote Work
Companies love to say remote work empowers employees. Translation: “We shifted all our overhead costs onto you.”
- Office rent? You pay it, in your mortgage or rent check.
- Utilities? Congrats, your electric bill funds company productivity.
- Supplies? Better buy that printer ink yourself. Hope you like $80 cartridges.
- IT support? Turn it off and on again, Ken. That’s the help desk now.
They didn’t give you freedom. They just outsourced the office to your house. And they’re not paying rent.
The Surveillance Problem
And let’s not forget the spyware. Companies install “productivity trackers” that log keystrokes and take random screenshots. I didn’t survive dial-up internet just to have my boss stare at my Spotify playlist while I’m working.
At this point, the only difference between my employer and a raccoon breaking into my kitchen is that the raccoon doesn’t demand quarterly reports.
Nana’s Remote Setup
Nana, of course, loves remote work. She turned her “home office” into a ritual chamber. Candles, velvet curtains, ambient chanting piped through her AirPods. When HR asked for proof of her ergonomic setup, she sent a photo of a crystal throne. Approved instantly.
She also trained the raccoons to attend Zoom calls on her behalf. Shockingly, they’re more responsive than half the brand managers.
Why This Won’t Change
Because remote work isn’t about you. It’s about:
- Cost savings – Every dollar they don’t spend on office space is one more dollar they spend on “executive retreats.”
- Control theater – Surveillance tools give them the illusion of oversight.
- Lip service – They brag about “flexibility” while demanding you stay online 12 hours a day.
Remote work was never emancipation. It was annexation.
Final Thoughts From the Living Room Branch Office
Your home isn’t yours. It’s corporate property now. The office didn’t die — it just moved into your bedroom and started charging rent in the form of your sanity. Remote work is corporate squatting, and you’re the unpaid landlord.
So the next time a manager says, “We’re saving money by going remote,” just remember: they’re saving it by colonizing your space. At least raccoons bring snacks when they invade.
Ken Hollow, unwilling landlord of capitalism, squatting in his own home
Hi. I’m Ken. I run Two Second Solutions, a one-man agency that somehow landed a fox spirit influencer as a client. I drink too much coffee, blog when I need to vent, and regularly update my résumé just in case she sets the office on fire again. I’m not crying — it’s just spell residue.