By Ken Hollow, unpaid trend chaser, reluctant doomscroller
Let me tell you a secret: I don’t hate TikTok. I respect it. It’s the apex predator of apps. It knows what it is — fast, weird, addictive, chaotic. It has distilled human attention into 60-second vials of dopamine. That’s impressive, in a horrifying, “we’re all doomed” sort of way.
What I do hate is every other app waking up at 3AM, looking in the mirror, and whispering: “What if I were TikTok too?” Then proceeding to slap on bad eyeliner, stumble into the algorithmic club, and embarrass themselves.
🔹 Exhibit A: Instagram Reels
Instagram, the former photo-sharing app that turned into a lifestyle mall, decided one day that photos weren’t enough. Now? Every time I try to look at a friend’s vacation pic, I’m assaulted by endless Reels of strangers making salads to sped-up audio.
Nana loves it. She calls them “moving mood boards.” I call them “proof that I’ll never know peace again.” Instagram thinks it can out-TikTok TikTok, but really it just feels like your aunt doing a Fortnite dance at Thanksgiving.
🔹 Exhibit B: YouTube Shorts
YouTube was already the internet’s video warehouse. Long-form, short-form, conspiracy rabbit holes — it had it all. Then they decided, “You know what we need? TikTok, but worse.” Enter YouTube Shorts, a chaotic sidebar that feels like it was bolted on by interns.
I can’t escape them. Click a video about fixing a sink, suddenly I’m served a 15-second Short of a guy juggling wrenches to trap music. The algorithm says: “This is related.” It’s not.
Nana once uploaded a “ritual ASMR” Short. It got 200k views. She now insists Shorts are “holy vessels.” I’ve stopped arguing.
🔹 Exhibit C: Twitter/X “For You” Tab
Twitter (or “X,” which sounds like a gas station energy drink) decided it needed its own TikTokification. The “For You” tab is basically: “Here’s some content you didn’t ask for, didn’t want, but will see anyway.”
It’s TikTok without the fun. Like being force-fed memes by an uncle who just discovered Reddit in 2013.
Nana lives for it. She’ll post one cryptic riddle, it gets 40k views, and she declares herself “the prophet of engagement.” I pour another coffee and draft another apology email to brand reps.
🔹 Exhibit D: Pinterest Idea Pins
Pinterest used to be a cozy place for mood boards, recipes, and wedding dresses you’ll never wear. Now it wants to be TikTok too. Idea Pins: short, looping videos no one asked for.
Nana insists on making spell tutorials there. I spent three hours editing one where she whispers incantations over a soup pot. It got 17 saves. Seventeen. I aged a decade.
🔹 Why They All Fail
Because TikTok isn’t just the format. It’s the culture. You can’t graft that chaos onto your dying app like a zombie limb and expect it to thrive.
- Instagram is too curated to feel spontaneous.
- YouTube is too bloated to feel fast.
- Twitter/X is too bitter to feel fun.
- Pinterest is too… Pinterest.
They all think slapping short-form video in the feed equals relevance. It doesn’t. It equals confusion, burnout, and me having to explain to Nana why her potion tutorial flopped.
🔹 The Real Problem
The TikTok-ification of everything isn’t about creativity. It’s about desperation. Every platform is hemorrhaging attention, and instead of innovating, they copy the loudest kid in the room.
But when you make everything TikTok, nothing feels unique anymore. The internet becomes one endless scroll of identical vibes. And if everything is TikTok, nothing is.
🔹 Final Thoughts from the Infinite Scroll
I don’t hate TikTok. I hate that I can’t escape TikTok. I hate that every platform wants to wear its skin like Buffalo Bill, hoping to steal its youth and virality.
Meanwhile, I’m the one up at 2AM, cutting Nana’s chaotic footage into vertical format for the fifth time this week, because “the algorithm must be fed.”
So yes. Every app wants to be TikTok. And yes. They will all fail miserably. But in the meantime, I’ll be here, scrolling, posting, editing, and aging in dog years.
Ken Hollow, vertical video hostage, reluctant participant in the great TikTok clone wars
Hi. I’m Ken. I run Two Second Solutions, a one-man agency that somehow landed a fox spirit influencer as a client. I drink too much coffee, blog when I need to vent, and regularly update my résumé just in case she sets the office on fire again. I’m not crying — it’s just spell residue.