By Ken Hollow, unwilling caretaker of expired social logins
Remember Threads? Of course you don’t. And if you do, it’s only because the app is still haunting your home screen like an ex you forgot to delete from your contacts. The icon’s just sitting there, silently judging you for not “engaging in meaningful conversations” while your attention span dies a slow, TikTok-shaped death.
Threads was supposed to be the Twitter killer. The chosen one. The great unifier of microblogs. Instead, it joined the graveyard where apps go to die, buried somewhere between Clubhouse and whatever the hell Google+ thought it was doing.
🔹 Welcome to the Social Media Graveyard
If you’ve ever managed a client in the influencer space (lucky you, I envy your ignorance), you know the cycle:
- A new app launches. Hype floods your feed. Headlines declare it the “next big thing.”
- You panic. “Does Nana need an account? Do I need to secure her handle? What if this is the platform that finally matters?”
- You onboard. Spend three sleepless nights creating profiles, bios, and uploading fox-spirit-approved selfies.
- You burn out. Because you’re now running seven platforms that all want unique content, optimized to their algorithm’s “vibes.”
- The app dies. Engagement tanks. The hype dies. And six months later, you can’t even remember the password.
Now you’re left managing accounts that are technically “alive” but functionally corpses. Nana’s Threads page hasn’t been touched since she rage-posted at 2AM: “The algorithm is shadow-banning my aura.”
🔹 Why They All Die
Apps die for the same reasons influencers do:
- Burnout – Even platforms get tired of their own vibes.
- Lack of Direction – Remember BeReal? It wanted us to “be authentic.” Now it’s just where I accidentally post pictures of my messy desk.
- Oversaturation – There’s only so much attention to go around. And most of it belongs to TikTok dances and AI girlfriends now.
- Corporate Shenanigans – Any app bought by a billionaire is immediately cursed. (Looking at you, Twitter, or “X,” which sounds like a discount superhero.)
Threads didn’t stand a chance. Too corporate to be fun, too bland to be weird, too desperate to be “the next Twitter.”
🔹 The Juggling Act of Doom
Do you know what it’s like to juggle a fox spirit’s social media presence across 8 platforms? It’s like herding cats, if the cats were also immortal narcissists with brand deals.
Here’s my current hellscape:
- Instagram: Glamour shots, reels, thirst traps.
- TikTok: Short-form chaos, trends, “hex of the day” videos.
- YouTube: Longer chaos, vlogs, rituals with suspicious editing cuts.
- Twitter/X: Occasional rants in all caps, mostly about her hair.
- Threads: Dead, but she insists we “keep it warm.” (Like a corpse in denial.)
- Discord: Cult vibes, but somehow monetizable.
- Patreon: Exclusive audio spells, behind-the-scenes breakdowns.
- Pinterest: Mood boards of velvet capes and forest aesthetics.
Each one requires unique content, engagement, metrics, and constant apologies to brand reps when Nana decides to “speak her truth” in riddle form.
Threads was supposed to lighten the load. Instead, it was just another spinning plate that shattered while I was still trying to find the login to Google+.
🔹 The Next Big Thing (Until It Isn’t)
What’s next? Some new platform will rise, promising to fix everything the last one broke.
- Maybe it’s an AI-driven microblog where posts write themselves.
- Maybe it’s VR social hangouts where your avatar can finally have legs.
- Maybe it’s a blockchain-based “authenticity” network where you mint your every thought as an NFT.
Whatever it is, I’ll be there at 3AM, making sure Nana’s handle is secured, her bio says something mystical, and her profile pic has the right ratio of smugness to seduction.
And in six months, I’ll be deleting it from her phone while she screams about the “death of culture.”
🔹 Final Thoughts from the Digital Mausoleum
Threads is dead. Long live whatever comes next. Until that dies too, and I’m stuck managing a portfolio of digital corpses, each one demanding I keep the lights on “just in case.”
If you ever want to know true despair, try explaining to a fox spirit why her engagement dropped on a platform nobody uses anymore. (Spoiler: it ends with me getting hexed.)
So here’s to the graveyard. May it grow no further. (It will.)
Ken Hollow, full-time gravekeeper of dead apps, part-time screamer into the void
Hi. I’m Ken. I run Two Second Solutions, a one-man agency that somehow landed a fox spirit influencer as a client. I drink too much coffee, blog when I need to vent, and regularly update my résumé just in case she sets the office on fire again. I’m not crying — it’s just spell residue.