By Ken Hollow, typing this with Slack notifications disabled and inner peace restored
People like to romanticize freelancing.
“Oh, the freedom!”
“You make your own hours!”
“You work in your pajamas!”
All technically true. All mostly lies. Because the real reason I became a freelancer isn’t the freedom or the flexibility or the promise of mid-morning croissants. It’s because I cannot — I repeat, cannot — emotionally handle Slack.
Slack. That cursed modern workspace. That passive-aggressive digital water cooler. That dopamine-destroying hell app dressed up in gradients and fake cheer.
Let’s talk about it.
🔹 The App That Never Sleeps
Slack is marketed as a “collaboration tool.”
What it actually is: a 24/7 panic machine.
There is no moment of peace. Every ping is a possible crisis. Every red dot is a threat. Every thread is a fresh opportunity to be blamed for something you weren’t even involved in.
It is constant awareness. Constant context-switching. Constant “let’s circle back.” Constant psychic violence in emoji form.
✅ Why I freelance: So I never have to see “Can you hop on a quick call?” ever again in bold white-on-purple terror.
🔹 The Passive-Aggressive Emoji Hierarchy
Slack isn’t just text. It’s vibes.
And those vibes are always judgmental.
A thumbs-up = passive compliance.
The eyes emoji = corporate surveillance.
The crying-laughing emoji = your deadline is on fire but haha?
Nothing is clear. Everything is loaded. You’re either reading into things too much or not enough, and either way, your self-esteem is spiraling.
✅ Why I freelance: I prefer my feedback passive-aggressive in email form, not animated reaction GIFs.
🔹 Real-Time Anxiety Simulator
Slack operates in real time. You message. They respond. You type. They see you typing. You stop. They wonder if you’re ghosting.
Every message is a performance. Every pause is suspect. Every “hey quick question” sets off the internal alarm bells.
Do I answer now? Do I wait to seem chill? Do I pretend to be in a meeting even though I’m literally just lying facedown on the floor?
✅ Why I freelance: So I can respond to requests after a healthy 48-hour window, with a well-crafted sigh and an invoice attached.
🔹 Slack Cultures Are Just Workplace Red Flags With Better Fonts
Each client’s Slack has a vibe. None of them are good.
- The “We’re All a Family Here” Slack: too many channels, too many inside jokes, too much pressure to pretend you care.
- The “Startup Hustle” Slack: all-nighters glorified in status updates, every message ends in “let’s goooo 🚀.”
- The “Quiet But Ominous” Slack: no chatter for weeks, then suddenly your deliverable is overdue and six people are tagged.
✅ Why I freelance: So I can pretend I didn’t see that thread from last Tuesday because I “wasn’t added to the channel.”
🔹 The Performative Presence Olympics
Slack isn’t about working. It’s about looking like you’re working.
Green dot = good employee. Idle = slacker. Invisible = suspicious.
You can schedule messages. Fake your status. Drop random emojis in threads just to seem active.
It’s LinkedIn cosplay, but worse.
✅ Why I freelance: Because I can nap at 2 PM without fear of someone asking if I’m “around for a quick sync.”
🔹 Every Slack Message Is a Micro-Therapy Session
I spend more emotional energy deciding how to say “Sure, I can do that” than I did in my last breakup.
- “No problem!” = doormat.
- “Sure thing” = passive.
- “Sounds good :)” = do they think I’m being sarcastic??
Meanwhile, the real message I want to send is: “Yes, I’ll do it. No, I don’t want to. Yes, I need the money.”
✅ Why I freelance: So I can communicate exclusively via deadpan email with a polite footer and no need for emoji diplomacy.
🔹 Slack as a Personality Trap
Some people thrive on Slack. I do not.
They’re the ones with clever statuses. Always reacting to everything. Always “popping in” to share a meme.
I tried that. I tried being Fun Slack Ken.
Turns out I’m not fun when I’m unpaid, overworked, and spiraling.
✅ Why I freelance: So I can let my personality degrade in peace without having to curate it for workplace chat.
🔹 Final Thoughts (Typed Outside the Thread)
I didn’t become a freelancer for the freedom. I became one for the psychological distance from real-time feedback loops. I like to deliver work from a safe, buffered remove — with boundaries, folders, and the blessed absence of random DM pings at 9:41 PM.
Slack is not just a tool. It is an ecosystem of anxiety. A channel-based panic ritual. A constant reminder that presence = productivity = perform or perish.
So no, I don’t miss it. And yes, I’ll gladly take slightly less stable income in exchange for never again being “@here” pinged into a digital performance review.
Ken Hollow, emotionally unavailable, Slack invisible, and spiritually Out of Office
Hi. I’m Ken. I run Two Second Solutions, a one-man agency that somehow landed a fox spirit influencer as a client. I drink too much coffee, blog when I need to vent, and regularly update my résumé just in case she sets the office on fire again. I’m not crying — it’s just spell residue.