By Ken Hollow, still haunted by his last Pomodoro timer.
Look, I’m not saying I’m the worst at productivity. I’m just saying that if procrastination were an Olympic sport, I’d at least place bronze (silver on a good day, gold if Nana isn’t around to judge me). Over the years, I’ve tried every shiny new productivity hack the internet has vomited out — and spoiler alert: most of them suck.
Let’s unpack the absolute worst offenders.
1. Waking Up at 5 A.M.
Ah yes, the golden rule of all productivity gurus who apparently don’t value REM sleep. Wake up before the sun, they say. Channel your inner billionaire. Seize the day.
You know what happens when I wake up at 5 A.M.? I seize a coffee, hate myself, and scroll in existential dread for two hours.
Unless you have a farm to run or a CEO complex, you do not need to cosplay as an exhausted rooster. Sleep. Your inbox will still be there.
2. The Pomodoro Technique
Work for 25 minutes. Break for 5. Repeat until you either achieve enlightenment or throw your phone against the wall.
In theory: great. In practice? It turns every task into a speedrun from hell. My brain doesn’t settle into anything deep until minute 24, and by then a timer is shrieking at me to go stretch. Stretch? Bro, I just sat down.
Eventually, I stopped hearing the timer. Then I stopped hearing voices entirely. Just a soft humming.
3. Bullet Journaling
Bullet journals are like those Pinterest meals that look effortless until you’re sobbing over washi tape.
Yes, I too wanted to be one of those aesthetic productivity monks, meticulously logging hydration levels and mood swings. But somewhere between tracking my breakfast macros and drawing the third mandala of the week, I realized: this is just arts and crafts with trauma.
10/10 would recommend if your actual goal is to avoid doing anything useful.
4. “Eat the Frog” Method
This method suggests doing your hardest task first thing in the morning.
You know what I want to do first thing in the morning? Not that. This philosophy assumes I have the willpower of a Navy SEAL before I’ve even had caffeine.
So instead of eating the frog, I name it, give it a LinkedIn profile, and avoid it for three days until it becomes a full-blown existential crisis. Productivity!
5. Time Blocking
Another one that looks good in theory. You color-code your calendar like a boss, assigning every hour of your life to a task.
It’s a lie. You’re lying to yourself.
Because when 2:00 PM rolls around and your calendar says “Deep Work Time,” but your soul says “Descent into Doomscrolling,” you’ll start to feel like a failure. But really, you’re just human. Time isn’t blockable. Chaos is the natural state of things. Accept it.
6. Inbox Zero
I chased inbox zero once. Now I have 37 labels, 900 filters, and a recurring nightmare about Gmail’s priority tab.
Inbox zero is a mirage. It’s productivity catfishing. You might get there once, but it won’t last. Like happiness. Or printer ink.
At some point, you just have to let unread emails go. If it’s important, they’ll text you. Or haunt you. Same thing.
7. Daily Affirmations
I tried looking in the mirror and telling myself I’m a high-performing, goal-crushing manager.
But my reflection laughed. Out loud.
Look, affirmations work for some people. For me, it just felt like lying to myself with extra steps.
Instead, I whisper, “You’ve survived worse. Like 2020. And Nana’s contract negotiations.”
8. Digital Detoxes
Ah yes, the trendy answer to burnout: unplug, unwind, reconnect with nature.
Guess what happens when I turn off all devices? I sit in silence and remember every mistake I’ve ever made since 2006.
If you’re going to detox, you better have something to replace the chaos. Otherwise, you’re just alone with your thoughts, and that, my friend, is a hard pass.
9. Multitasking
They say multitasking is a myth. They are correct. Yet somehow I continue to fall for it.
Answering emails while on Zoom while writing a blog post? Great way to do three things badly and hate yourself in stereo.
Focus is a luxury. I chase it like a cryptid.
10. Productivity Apps
Oh look, another app that promises to fix my life. Spoiler: it did not.
I now have 12 different productivity apps and not a single productive day to show for it. My phone is organized. My soul is not.
Final Thoughts
The truth is, productivity isn’t about systems or color-coded rituals. It’s about doing the thing. Even badly. Especially badly.
So if you’re drowning in hacks and still feeling useless, maybe it’s not you. Maybe the hacks are just overrated, and you need a break, not a better to-do list.
As always, consult a professional if your burnout is real (which it probably is). And maybe don’t take advice from a man who once tried to manage a fox spirit with Trello.
Ken Hollow is not a doctor, therapist, or certified productivity expert. He is barely functioning. This post is satire and should not be taken as actual life advice unless it accidentally works.
Hi. I’m Ken. I run Two Second Solutions, a one-man agency that somehow landed a fox spirit influencer as a client. I drink too much coffee, blog when I need to vent, and regularly update my résumé just in case she sets the office on fire again. I’m not crying — it’s just spell residue.