Ranking Headache Types by How Personally Offended I Am by Them

By Ken Hollow, unpaid intern of chaos.

Look, I didn’t sign up for headaches. I signed up to manage one (1) fox spirit with delusions of grandeur and a taste for mid-century gold bathtubs. Yet somehow, over the course of this job — and by “job,” I mean magical indentured servitude — I’ve come to experience the full buffet of cranial suffering.

In an effort to document my pain (and hopefully catch a tax deduction for medical trauma), I’ve decided to rank the main types of headaches by how personally offended I am by them. Not in terms of severity, or medical accuracy — but pure, unfiltered emotional betrayal.

Because some headaches don’t just hurt. They mock you. They arrive like uninvited houseguests and eat your leftovers while gaslighting you about it.

So here we go.

🌌 Cluster Headaches

Personal Offense Level: 10/10

You know what’s worse than pain? Betrayal. Cluster headaches show up like they’ve been waiting in the shadows to ambush you with a baseball bat full of fire ants. They don’t just hurt — they hurt with purpose.

• Show up at the same time every day like they booked an appointment with your brain.
• Feel like someone shoved a flaming spear through your eyeball and is rotating it manually.
• Last for weeks. Not hours. WEEKS.

They’re so aggressive, I’m convinced they’re Nana in another form. If you’ve ever felt like your skull was trying to implode while your eye cried out of fear, congratulations — you’ve been cluster-smacked.

Quote from my pain journal:

“Day 4: My left eye has declared independence. I respect its decision.”

☕ Caffeine Withdrawal Headaches

Personal Offense Level: 9/10

This one’s on me. I gave coffee too much power.

One skipped latte and suddenly my frontal lobe is staging a coup. It’s less like a headache and more like my brain is screaming “WHERE IS THE BEAN JUICE, KEN?” over and over again.

Symptoms include:

• A sense of doom
• Dull, throbbing pressure that whispers, “You did this.”
• Rage at herbal tea, the liar of drinks

I tried quitting coffee once. For 36 hours. I wrote a will and whispered apologies to everyone I’ve wronged. Then I had a triple espresso and immediately forgave myself.

⚖️ Tension Headaches

Personal Offense Level: 7.5/10

The basic bitch of the headache family.

They don’t stab you. They don’t explode. They just sit there, heavy and judgmental, like your great-aunt at Christmas. You’ll be doing emails, minding your own business, and suddenly it feels like someone wrapped a belt around your forehead and said, “Let’s just see how long you last.”

• Often triggered by stress, dehydration, or making eye contact with a Google Calendar invite
• Makes your neck feel like it’s trying to secede
• Responds to ibuprofen, naps, and rage-crying

Bonus insult: They always show up when I’m trying to do something vaguely responsible, like meet deadlines or meal prep.

❄️ Ice Pick Headaches

Personal Offense Level: 8.5/10

A.K.A. Stabbing Headaches of Doom.

Imagine someone stabbing you in the head with an invisible dagger for 1–3 seconds — then just leaving. No reason. No warning. Just, “Hey! Here’s pain! Bye!”

• Usually localized around the eye or temple
• Completely unpredictable
• Makes you question reality AND your sanity

First time I had one, I genuinely thought I was being cursed by a vengeful pixie. Nana said I was being dramatic. Then she laughed for five solid minutes. So that helped.

☢️ Sinus Headaches

Personal Offense Level: 6.5/10

Sinus headaches feel like your entire face is trying to swell up and eat itself.

They’re tied to allergies, barometric pressure changes, and probably the alignment of Jupiter. I usually get these during weather shifts or when Nana brings home suspicious incense from “the Realm.”

• Centered around your nose, cheeks, and forehead
• Comes with bonus congestion and that sexy mouth-breathing look
• Makes you feel like your head is a balloon slowly inflating with bad choices

Pro tip: hot compress, steam, and furious Googling of “how to remove face pressure with black magic.”

🌈 Hormonal Headaches

Personal Offense Level: 7/10

Not limited to one gender, by the way. Hormones are everyone’s problem.

These sneak up during cycles of stress, lack of sleep, or when Nana makes me watch another influencer livestream with a fairy named “Shimmerina.”

• Feels like someone applied pressure inside your skull
• Doesn’t respond to logic or most medication
• Only cured by vanishing into a cave and pretending you don’t exist

I don’t menstruate, but I do suffer from regular bouts of “extreme estrogen exposure” by proximity. That counts.

⚡ Migraine Headaches

Personal Offense Level: 11/10

The god-tier nightmare.

Migraines don’t just hurt. They consume. They show up with a light show, nausea, sound sensitivity, and the moral weight of a thousand regrets.

• Often one-sided, pulsating, and full of rage
• Lasts for hours, sometimes days
• Can be preceded by an “aura,” which is basically your body’s way of saying, “Brace for impact”

When I get migraines, Nana tries to help by casting “softening enchantments.” Last time she did that, all my plants died and my keyboard melted slightly.

Note: if your migraine is new, severe, or acting weird — stop reading blogs and go see a doctor. No joke.

❗ Honorable Mentions:

• Dehydration Headaches – My fault. Water is hard.
• Hangover Headaches – Nana says these build character. I say shut up.
• Rebound Headaches – From overusing headache meds. YES, THAT’S A THING. Life is cruel.

Final Thoughts

Every headache has its own special flavor of emotional betrayal. Some are sudden and violent. Others are slow and nagging. All of them are reminders that your brain — the squishy command center you rely on — occasionally likes to riot.

To all my fellow sufferers: I see you. I hear you. I would blink in solidarity if the light didn’t hurt so much.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go lie down in the dark and whisper curses at Nana for breathing too loudly.

Disclaimer: This post is not medical advice. I am not a doctor. I am a tired man with internet access and trauma. If you’re experiencing frequent or severe headaches, please talk to an actual healthcare professional who doesn’t manage fox spirits for a living.