By Ken Hollow, unwilling producer of cursed television
Because a late-night talk show wasn’t chaotic enough, Nana now wants a reality competition show. Yes. A full-scale, velvet-clad, ritual-infused series where contestants fight not for money, not for fame, but for the chance to survive Nana’s whims. She calls it Velvet Survival. I call it grounds for at least three lawsuits and a Netflix bidding war.
The Pitch Deck From Hell
Nana’s “deck” was a pile of velvet scraps, a moon chart, and a raccoon holding cue cards. The premise:
- Contestants compete in ritual-based challenges under the full moon.
- Raccoons act as both judges and saboteurs.
- Eliminations are decided by incense duels and interpretive velvet dances.
- The winner receives “ultimate brand alignment with the cosmos.” (No one knows what this means.)
The sponsors? A kombucha brand, an “ethical crystal” startup, and a bank that definitely didn’t read the fine print.
Episode Breakdown
Episode 1: Contestants must survive a raccoon obstacle course. One influencer lost their ring light and cried. The raccoons ate better than the humans.
Episode 3: “Synergy Ritual Bake-Off.” Contestants presented baked goods “aligned with core values.” One loaf of bread caught fire. Nana said it was “prophetic.”
Episode 6: Incense Duel Elimination. Two contestants nearly suffocated while trying to out-smoke each other. The raccoons declared it a tie.
Finale: A bonfire ritual where the last two contestants pitched their souls to the sponsors. The bank rep fainted. Nana declared everyone a winner. The raccoons stole the trophy.
The Contestants
- A TikTok star who thought it was a normal brand collab. Now cries daily.
- A burned-out marketing exec trying to “find themselves.” They only found raccoon bite marks.
- A yoga influencer who keeps saying “this is off-brand for me” while participating in every challenge.
- Me. Somehow roped in as “the relatable everyman.” Spoiler: I lost in Episode 2 after failing the candle-stacking challenge.
Sponsors in Crisis
By Episode 4, the kombucha brand pulled out after contestants used their drinks in a ritual circle. The crystal startup leaned in, offering “limited edition ritual bundles.” The bank is still in denial. They keep asking, “When does the synergy workshop start?” It doesn’t. It never will.
Why It Works (Terrifyingly)
- Fans livetweet every raccoon sabotage.
- Velvet robes trend weekly on TikTok.
- Viewership spikes during incense duels, despite several OSHA violations.
Somehow, people love it. Reality TV has always thrived on chaos. Nana just added candles, velvet, and woodland creatures.
Final Thoughts From the Production Pit
Reality competition shows were already manipulative circus acts. Nana’s version is just more honest: it’s chaos with better outfits. Contestants cry, sponsors regret, raccoons unionize, and somehow the ratings soar.
So here I am, unwilling producer of Velvet Survival, trying to stop Nana from pitching Season 2: Velvet Bachelor. God help us all.
by Ken Hollow, unwilling producer, raccoon wrangler, and survivor of incense duels
Hi. I’m Ken. I run Two Second Solutions, a one-man agency that somehow landed a fox spirit influencer as a client. I drink too much coffee, blog when I need to vent, and regularly update my résumé just in case she sets the office on fire again. I’m not crying — it’s just spell residue.