By Ken Hollow, reluctant stagehand in velvet purgatory
Nana has decided she deserves a late-night talk show. Not a podcast. Not a livestream. A full-on velvet-clad talk show, complete with raccoon sidekicks, a moonlit set, and sponsors who don’t realize they’ve signed a deal with chaos incarnate. Meanwhile, I’m stuck running logistics like a broke Jimmy Fallon intern who smells faintly of burnt coffee and panic.
The Pitch Meeting From Hell
Nana stormed into our weekly “content planning” meeting (read: me crying into Google Docs) and announced:
“I shall launch Velvet Tonight — a late-night ritual of conversation, chaos, and consumerism.”
Her deck (if you can call it that) included:
- A moon phase calendar labeled “Optimal Broadcast Slots.”
- A raccoon in a bowtie labeled “Sidekick #1.”
- The words “Live Studio Audience: Must howl on cue.”
The sponsors? Two wellness brands, one crypto startup, and a candle company that may or may not be a cult.
The Set Design (OSHA Would Weep)
Nana insists on a moonlit set draped in velvet. The raccoons demanded a snack table, which immediately collapsed under the weight of Doritos and ritual herbs. The lighting rig is held together with duct tape and “positive vibes.” I’m 90% sure the studio is haunted.
Meanwhile, Nana has a throne. Not a chair. A throne. HR called it “unnecessary.” Nana called HR “a bureaucratic impediment to velvet destiny.” Guess who won.
The Opening Monologue
Every late-night show needs a monologue. Nana’s idea of one is opening with:
“Greetings, mortals. Tonight we banish mediocrity.”
She then launches into 10 minutes of ranting about corporate jargon while the raccoons perform background acrobatics. It’s less Jimmy Kimmel, more end-of-the-world sermon — and somehow the studio audience eats it up.
The Guests (God Help Them)
So far, the guest lineup includes:
- A TikTok influencer who thought it was a brand collab but got roped into a ritual instead.
- A brand executive who left halfway through after Nana asked if their “synergy strategy” aligned with the stars.
- Me, reluctantly filling airtime because the raccoons unionized and demanded better working conditions.
Every segment devolves into Nana shouting “Tell us your truth!” while waving incense around.
The Sponsors Immediately Regret Everything
The wellness brand tried to spin their ad read into “mindful velvet living.” Nana rewrote it into a 14-line poem about banishing burnout through lunar alignment. The crypto startup’s slogan, “Invest in Tomorrow,” became “Sacrifice to Tomorrow.” Their stock tanked the next day. Coincidence? I think not.
Why This Disaster Works
Somehow, it works. People love it.
- The raccoons trend weekly on TikTok.
- Fans live-tweet Nana’s monologues like they’re prophecies.
- Velvet candle sales quadrupled.
Meanwhile, I’m drowning in logistics emails from confused sponsors asking, “Why was there a bonfire during the panel discussion?” Answer: because Nana demanded it.
Final Thoughts From the Stage Crew Pit
Late-night talk shows are supposed to be about entertainment. Nana’s version is equal parts ritual, chaos, and brand sabotage. And yet — the audience roars, the raccoons unionize, and the sponsors can’t cancel fast enough.
So here I am, unpaid stagehand to the world’s weirdest velvet empire. If you need me, I’ll be in the green room trying to explain to a panicked influencer why the raccoons stole their ring light.
Ken Hollow, reluctant stagehand, raccoon wrangler, and survivor of velvet prime time
Hi. I’m Ken. I run Two Second Solutions, a one-man agency that somehow landed a fox spirit influencer as a client. I drink too much coffee, blog when I need to vent, and regularly update my résumé just in case she sets the office on fire again. I’m not crying — it’s just spell residue.