By Ken Hollow, unwilling intern in the house of velvet couture
Because late-night talk shows and reality competitions weren’t chaotic enough, Nana has now decided she needs a fashion line. Not a capsule collection, not merch — a full-scale couture brand called VelvetWear™. The tagline? “Drape yourself in destiny.” I wish I were making that up.
The Vision Deck (If You Can Call It That)
Nana’s pitch deck was 12 slides of raccoon sketches in tiny jackets and a mood board made of moon phases and velvet swatches. Her “market research” was a BuzzFeed quiz titled “Which Fabric Are You?” (She got velvet, obviously.)
The highlights:
- Core Product: Velvet robes, “empowering mortals through fabric.”
- Accessories: Raccoon-sized scarves, ritual headbands, and candle holsters.
- Launch Event: A moonlit runway in the woods, bonfire included.
The sponsors? A wellness brand, a vegan chocolate company, and one very confused HR rep.
The Production Nightmare
I, of course, was drafted into logistics. Do you know how hard it is to source velvet in bulk without maxing three credit cards? The supply chain is a cursed labyrinth.
Sample production has been chaos:
- One robe arrived sized for a raccoon instead of a human.
- A shipment of scarves got lost and ended up in Accounting. (They used them as blinds.)
- The prototypes shed velvet dust everywhere. My lungs are 30% velvet now.
The Runway Show (HR Called It “A Liability”)
Nana staged the debut show in the forest. The models? Interns and raccoons. The music? Gregorian chants remixed with EDM. The finale? Nana herself descending from a tree in a robe that weighed more than a filing cabinet.
HR wrote a 9-page memo about safety violations. Vogue called it “visionary.” Guess who Nana listens to.
The Collection
The VelvetWear™ Fall line includes:
- Corporate Drape: A robe designed to absorb negative Slack notifications.
- The KPI Cloak: Supposedly boosts productivity by 12%. (Citation needed.)
- Casual Friday Raccoonwear: Self-explanatory.
- Moon Phase Suit: Changes color depending on lunar alignment.
Every piece is dry-clean only, obviously.
The Sponsors Immediately Regret It
The wellness brand was fine until Nana rewrote their copy into an incantation. The chocolate company backed out after raccoons stole 400 samples. HR just keeps sighing. Meanwhile, the collection sold out instantly online, mostly because Nana cursed the checkout page so buyers had no choice.
Why It Works (Terrifyingly)
- Fans post #VelvetOOTD selfies daily.
- Raccoon robes trend on TikTok.
- Etsy sellers are already copying the designs.
Nana doesn’t have a supply chain strategy. She has chaos and velvet, which, apparently, is enough.
Final Thoughts From the Velvet Sweatshop
Corporate fashion collabs are bad enough. Nana’s fashion line is worse — not because it failed, but because it succeeded. People want robes, raccoons, and rituals. And me? I’m just trying to get velvet dust out of my keyboard.
So if you see me on the street wearing a velvet robe, know this: it’s not style. It’s survival.
Ken Hollow, unwilling velvet intern, survivor of raccoon couture, cursed to lint-roll forever
Hi. I’m Ken. I run Two Second Solutions, a one-man agency that somehow landed a fox spirit influencer as a client. I drink too much coffee, blog when I need to vent, and regularly update my résumé just in case she sets the office on fire again. I’m not crying — it’s just spell residue.