By Ken Hollow, unpaid astrologically and emotionally
I was just about to schedule a launch.
The posts were prepped. The hooks were tight. The carousel covers were giving “spiritual but monetizable.”
And then, an email:
“Hold everything. Mercury went retrograde.”
It came from Nana Vix’s brand email — which is signed off with “Light, Love & Cosmic Precision.” The subject line was in all caps. There were GIFs of planets. The vibes were apocalyptic.
Welcome to another chapter in my never-ending cosmic internship: Nana Vix’s Mercury Retrograde Content Protocol — a client-mandated, astrologer-blessed digital shutdown because the planets are spinning backwards and so is my will to live.
Let’s walk through the chaos.
I didn’t ask. But now I know.
Apparently, Mercury “appears” to move backward in the sky three to four times a year. And this somehow affects:
To be clear, I’m not anti-woo. I’m anti-being-told-to-unlaunch because Mercury’s in a mood.
✅ Per Nana’s astrologer: “Avoid initiating anything. Reflect. Realign. Don’t post carousels with odd numbers.”
Nana’s first rule: No new content during Mercury retrograde.
“New intentions can misfire,” she said over a voice note. There were wind chimes in the background. I think she was in a yurt.
So we’re:
✅ My launch calendar now says: “DO NOT TOUCH — PLANETARY RESTRICTION.”
No new content? Fine. But we’re not resting. We’re reversing.
Retrograde = going back. So Nana’s entire content plan for the next three weeks is just:
We’re calling it a “Reflection Phase.” I’m calling it “Content Necromancy.”
✅ Hot tip: If you flip an old post horizontally and change one emoji, it becomes spiritually refreshed.
Every post, caption, and alt text must now pass through Nana’s astrologer — a man named Jasper who wears seven rings and communicates exclusively via voice memos.
He checks:
One time I wrote “Sign up now” and Jasper told me to rewrite it as “Flow into possibility.” I asked for clarification and got a .mp3 file of distant gong sounds.
✅ You haven’t experienced real burnout until you’ve waited three days for a Virgo moon transit to approve a reel.
During retrograde, all comms must be:
This includes emails, captions, DMs, and any client feedback I dare to give.
My suggestion to remove a typo became “a moment of linguistic friction worth honoring.”
✅ I now communicate using softened metaphors, prayer hands, and crystal emojis. My soul itches.
Nana’s team insists that Mercury retrograde scrambles tech. So we’re:
She made me sage the email drafts folder.
✅ I now keep a backup Google Doc and a moon-blessed USB.
With no new posts to stress about, Nana has generously added wellness rituals to our schedule.
So now I’m required to:
Yesterday I cried into mine while writing alt text for a post about rose quartz shampoo.
✅ Self-care is now performative and mandatory.
Is Mercury retrograde real? Probably. Maybe. Who knows.
What is real is the chaos it creates when your most important client has an astrologer on retainer and a nervous system tied directly to the lunar calendar.
Am I bitter? Yes.
Am I now fully versed in planetary transits and emotional labor scheduling? Also yes.
So until Mercury stops spinning backward, I’ll be over here, realigning my Canva templates, rereading emails out loud for spiritual tone, and waiting for cosmic approval to breathe.
Ken Hollow, astrally fatigued and cosmically billable
Hi. I’m Ken. I run Two Second Solutions, a one-man agency that somehow landed a fox spirit influencer as a client. I drink too much coffee, blog when I need to vent, and regularly update my résumé just in case she sets the office on fire again. I’m not crying — it’s just spell residue.
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