Two Second Solutions

KPIs for Life: How Management Wants to Quantify Your Soul

Cartoon-style illustration of a tired man in a hoodie staring at a glowing KPI dashboard labeled with “Happiness,” “Creativity,” and “Culture Alignment,” while a fox-eared woman proudly holds up her own mystical scroll of raccoon and velvet metrics.

By Ken Hollow, unwilling data point in HR’s experiment

Corporate obsession with Key Performance Indicators (KPIs) has reached a new low: they’re no longer content measuring sales, clicks, or “engagement.” Now, management wants to quantify you. Happiness, creativity, culture — all reduced to colorful dashboards. Your soul is now a metric.

The New Age of Measurement

Companies used to measure output. Now they measure existence.

  • Employee Happiness Score – Because nothing says joy like filling out a survey every quarter about how much you love your job.
  • Creativity Index – Apparently creativity can be charted on a graph, right next to Q3 revenue.
  • Culture Alignment Metric – AKA: “Did you clap enough at the all-hands?”
  • Wellness Participation Rate – The percentage of people who begrudgingly downloaded the company’s mindfulness app and never opened it again.

It’s not performance management. It’s astrology with bar charts.

Dashboards of the Damned

Management loves to show these numbers in slick dashboards:

  • A pie chart of “employee happiness.” (Spoiler: always 72%.)
  • A bar graph of “collaboration index.” (Translation: how many Slack emojis you used.)
  • A line graph of “innovation quotient.” (Completely made up.)

I once saw a chart that claimed our “culture alignment” was up 15%. Compared to what? Compared to when? Culture isn’t GDP, Brenda.

Nana’s Soul Metrics

Naturally, Nana made her own system:

  • Moon Phase Satisfaction Score – Are employees thriving under a waxing crescent? Or collapsing under a waning gibbous?
  • Raccoon Engagement Index – Number of raccoons present at brainstorming sessions.
  • Velvet Utilization Rate – Percentage of meetings improved by the presence of velvet. (100%.)

Honestly? Still more reliable than HR’s surveys.

Why Management Loves It

  • Illusion of Control: If you can measure happiness, you can manage it. (You can’t.)
  • Spreadsheet Theater: Nothing looks more “strategic” than a graph labeled “Employee Joy Over Time.”
  • Blame Deflection: If morale tanks, it’s not leadership’s fault. It’s just the metric that’s “not fully capturing nuance.”
  • Consultant Bait: Entire industries exist to sell you new ways to chart the unchartable.

The Creep of Quantification

It starts at work but seeps into life:

  • Sleep trackers rate your rest.
  • Step counters rate your movement.
  • Apps rate your “mindfulness.”

Now combine that with corporate culture, and suddenly your worth is a dashboard with a 73% Happiness Index and “Needs Improvement” in Collaboration.

Final Thoughts From the KPI Abyss

KPIs were bad enough when they measured sales. Now they’re creeping into your soul. Management wants to turn life into a spreadsheet, culture into a graph, and happiness into a pie chart that always comes out 72%.

But here’s the truth: you can’t quantify being human. And the moment someone tries, you’re not an employee anymore — you’re a data point.

So the next time HR asks how “aligned” you feel, give them Nana’s answer: “My raccoon engagement is high, my velvet utilization is at 100%, and my soul is unquantifiable.”

Ken Hollow, unwilling KPI, professional skeptic of life dashboards

Ken Hollow

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