By Ken Hollow, reluctant fortune teller of corporate nonsense
Let’s be honest: Key Performance Indicators (KPIs) are just tarot cards with pie charts. Managers shuffle them around, pretend to interpret them, and then use them to justify why you don’t get a raise this quarter. They’re less about truth and more about vibes, dressed up in dashboards and pastel PowerPoint slides.
The Mystical Deck of KPIs
Every company has its own sacred deck:
- Engagement Rate – The Lovers card. “Look, people are engaging with our brand!” (They liked one meme.)
- Conversion Rate – The Wheel of Fortune. Sometimes it’s up, sometimes it’s down. Nobody knows why.
- Churn Rate – Death. Always terrifying, always inevitable.
- Net Promoter Score (NPS) – The Fool. As in, only a fool believes customers are really that “likely to recommend.”
- Quarterly Revenue Growth – The Tower. Bad news incoming, brace yourself.
Executives pretend these numbers are divine revelations. Really, they’re about as predictive as me pulling the Three of Swords for “Q4 Marketing Alignment.”
Dashboards as Crystal Balls
The dashboard is the modern scrying mirror. All those glowing charts, all those colorful trend lines. “We’re up 3% in engagement!” Cool. Does that pay rent? Does that solve anything? No. It’s just pretty graphs hypnotizing people into thinking work has been done.
I’ve seen managers refresh dashboards like gamblers pulling the lever on a slot machine. One more refresh and maybe the numbers will change. Spoiler: they don’t.
Nana’s Actual Tarot
Of course, Nana got involved. When I ranted about KPIs being corporate tarot, she pulled out her literal tarot deck.
- She pulled The Moon: “Confusion, illusions, corporate strategies that will collapse by Q3.”
- Then The Devil: “Debt, greed, another software subscription we don’t need.”
- Finally The Hanged Man: “You, Ken, waiting for approvals that will never come.”
Honestly? More accurate than the dashboard.
Why Managers Love Their Tarot KPIs
- Illusion of Control: If you can measure it, you can manage it. Except when you can’t.
- Power Theater: Dashboards make leaders feel smart while saying nothing.
- Blame Deflection: “The numbers are bad, not me.”
- Meeting Filler: 30 minutes of discussing a chart beats making an actual decision.
KPIs aren’t about progress. They’re about performance — not the kind you measure, but the kind you put on for shareholders.
Final Thoughts From the Crystal Dashboard
KPIs are corporate tarot. They soothe executives, scare employees, and give everyone something to stare at while nothing changes. They’re less accurate than Nana’s moon charts, less honest than her raccoon omens, and infinitely more boring.
So the next time someone waves a dashboard at you, nod sagely and say: “Ah yes, the cards have spoken.” Then go back to doing actual work.
Ken Hollow, unwilling KPI reader, professional dashboard skeptic
Hi. I’m Ken. I run Two Second Solutions, a one-man agency that somehow landed a fox spirit influencer as a client. I drink too much coffee, blog when I need to vent, and regularly update my résumé just in case she sets the office on fire again. I’m not crying — it’s just spell residue.