I Googled My Headache and Now I Have 14 Hours to Live

By Ken Hollow, professional overthinker with 99 problems and at least 73 of them are imaginary

It started, as these things often do, with a slight twinge behind my right eye. Not a stab, not a throb, just a… presence. A ghost of discomfort. A whisper of doom.

Naturally, I did what any rational, modern man would do.

I opened Google.

“Dull pain behind right eye, one-sided headache, not migraine, not cluster, maybe tumor??”

The internet responded with the gentle care of a sledgehammer to the face. Within 45 seconds, I had:

• A brain tumor
• An aneurysm
• An ocular parasite native to Southeast Asia (I’ve never been there, but parasites don’t care about passports)
• And my personal favorite: “impending death”. Not a diagnosis, just a vibe.

My Descent into the Medical Abyss

I don’t know who designed WebMD‘s symptom checker, but that person has blood pressure on their hands. You could input “stubbed toe” and end up scrolling through leukemia forums. I put in “mild headache” and it gave me a triage protocol typically reserved for gunshot wounds.

“Do you have light sensitivity?”
No, just light resentment toward myself.
“Do you have a fever?”
No, but I did microwave soup too long and burned my tongue.
“Do you feel confused?”
Do I feel confused? Bitch, I’m on page 9 of a neurology forum for retired Belgian cyclists. I’m very confused.

The Eye Twitch Heard ‘Round the World

Just as I was beginning to breathe again (and by breathe I mean panic hyperventilate through a brown paper bag), my lower eyelid twitched. Once. Twice. Three times.

That was it. Full DEFCON-1.

I stood in front of the mirror, watching myself like I was about to morph into a final boss. The twitch, of course, was painless and fleeting — just a small muscle spasm. But in my mind, it was the opening act of a medical thriller where the protagonist dies in the first 15 minutes and the rest is just flashbacks and sad piano music.

I looked it up. “Eye twitch + headache + occasional left side pain + human male + age unspecified + general sense of dread.”

The results:

• Multiple sclerosis
• Stroke in progress
• Dehydration
• Also maybe ghosts?

The Magnesium Crisis

Then it hit me. I remembered magnesium. Sweet, blessed, magnesium. The supplement that walked so my eyelid could chill. It had been out of stock for months. I’d been surviving on weak citrate knockoffs and wishful thinking.

Could my twitch be a magnesium rebellion?

I typed “can magnesium deficiency cause you to die slowly while watching reruns of Frasier and wondering if your bones are soft” into ChatGPT. It politely ignored the drama but gave me real information, which was disappointing because I was hoping to be more coddled.

I Tried Relaxing

I decided to relax. Like a sane person.

I laid down, put a warm compress over my eyes, and played ambient sounds of a forest in Kyoto. Within five minutes, my brain whispered:

“What if the twitch is neurological and it’s spreading to your optic nerve? What if this is how your vision ends? In dim lighting, surrounded by fake bird sounds and a blanket that smells like soup?”

So I sat back up, opened my laptop, and began planning my will. I’ve decided to leave my succulent plant to my neighbor. It’s already dead, but so is hope.

Everything is Fine, Probably

Here’s the thing no one tells you: headaches are common. Eye twitches are ridiculously common. But the moment you Google them, they become weapons-grade anxiety triggers. Your brain becomes a Game of Thrones map — every sensation a territory to defend, every symptom a threat beyond the wall.

I have no fever. No vision loss. No droopy face. No weakness. No aura. No nothing.

I have a slightly sore neck because I watch YouTube videos like a gargoyle. I have occasional eye twitching because I forgot that magnesium isn’t optional. And I have a brain that likes to run simulations of my funeral at the first sign of discomfort.

Final Diagnosis: Internet-Induced Psychosis (mild)

The irony is that all my self-diagnosing just leads me back to the same treatment:

“Drink water. Sleep. Stretch your neck. Stop panicking. Take a damn magnesium supplement.”

But where’s the drama in that? Where’s the plot twist? Where’s the moment I dramatically collapse into the arms of a stranger at a café, whispering “I always knew it was the hypothalamus…” before the screen fades to black?

Nowhere. Because I’m fine.

My eyeball just flinches sometimes.

Ken’s Official Medical Advice (not legal in 34 countries):

• Don’t Google your symptoms. Just don’t. Unless you’re trying to speedrun a panic attack.
• Get a good magnesium supplement. Or harvest it from the tears of stressed-out millennials, your call.
• Take screen breaks before your eyeballs revolt.
• And for the love of all things neural — if your eye twitches, don’t assume death. Assume stress. Or caffeine. Or that weird posture you make when scrolling Reddit at 2am.

In summary:

I’m not dying. Probably.
My eye is twitching. Occasionally.
I’m going to live. Begrudgingly.
But if I die unexpectedly, I want it known that I called it — and you all owe me an apology.

– Ken Hollow, still alive (for now)