Genshin 5.7 Is Out and I Am Not Emotionally Ready (Also Nana’s Judging Me Again)

By Ken Hollow, certified fox spirit survivor and part-time gamer

So the new Genshin Impact patch dropped, and naturally I was excited. You know, normal human excitement. A little hyped. Maybe set my alarm. Maybe took an early lunch. Maybe pretended a client Zoom call “dropped” so I could install the update. Who can say, really?

And then I met Skirk.

Now, I’ve seen a lot in this job. I’ve seen cursed contracts, glitter-based assaults, and the inside of a summoning circle I was definitely not supposed to stand in. But I was not ready for Skirk. Elegant. Mysterious. Punches like an eldritch waterfall. She could gut me and I’d say thank you.

Unfortunately, Nana walked in right as I was in the middle of her skill animation.

Nana: “Oh? Who’s this?”

Me: “A swordmaster. Teaches child soldiers. Lots of trauma. It’s complicated.”

Nana: “Hmm. Would she survive in Valdorra?”

Me: “No one survives in Valdorra.”

Nana: “Cute. I like her tights.”

And just like that, I lost control of the narrative.

She now insists that Skirk is a kindred spirit and has spent the last two hours reworking her aesthetic board to include more “shadowy devotion” and “trauma-born strength.”

Meanwhile, I haven’t even finished exploring the new region because I had to pause the game to adjust her content calendar.

Things I Liked in the Patch (Before Nana Took Over):

• The soundtrack (haunting, beautiful, will use it to cry at 2AM)
• Skirk’s character animations (fluid, terrifying, goals)
• The archon quest (aka: distraction from my real-life panic)

Things That Happened After Nana Got Involved:

• She made me design her a faux Skirk-inspired promo outfit
• Asked if she could have a “sword animation like that” for her next reel
• Informed me that my Genshin spending budget is now allocated to her “Skirk Vibes” shoot

In conclusion: Skirk is amazing. The patch is great. I am tired. And Nana has a Pinterest board named “blades & burdens” now.

Pray for me.