By Ken Hollow, unwilling author of receipt novels
Expense reports are the worst kind of creative writing: bureaucratic fanfiction. You take mundane events — a taxi ride, a coffee, a hotel room — and rewrite them into tortured corporate prose that might, if the gods of accounting smile upon you, result in partial reimbursement six months later. Meanwhile, executives are out here expensing helicopters like it’s UberX.
The Ritual of Submitting Expenses
The process goes like this:
- Save every receipt like they’re sacred relics. Folded, crumpled, covered in coffee stains — doesn’t matter.
- Log into the cursed portal that looks like it was designed in 1998.
- Enter line items with the precision of a medieval scribe: “Latte, $6.21, client-facing energization initiative.”
- Upload receipts that never scan correctly. Rotate, crop, curse.
- Wait.
And then: rejection. Because you put “lunch” instead of “meal.”
The Great Hypocrisy
Employees get flagged for:
- A $6 coffee.
- An Uber surge fee.
- A sandwich bought 10 minutes outside the approved time window.
Executives sail through with:
- Private jet fuel.
- “Wellness retreats” in Maui.
- A bottle of wine that costs more than my rent.
It’s not about rules. It’s about hierarchy. Expense reports are just another way to remind you where you sit.
The Language of Rejection
Expense report rejection emails always sound like they were written by a disappointed parent:
- “Please provide more context.” (It was lunch.)
- “This does not align with policy.” (Neither does your yacht.)
- “Resubmit with proper justification.” (Do you want me to write an epic poem about my sandwich?)
Nana’s Expense Reports
Nana, of course, submits expense reports that read like grimoires:
- “One velvet bolt for ritual staging.”
- “Twelve candles for alignment of brand energies.”
- “Raccoon snacks (strategic partners).”
Accounting once flagged her for “unclear purpose.” She marched into their office with a raccoon and said, “Justification.” Approved instantly.
Why Companies Love Expense Reports
- Control Theater: Makes employees feel like they’re sneaking around for basic survival.
- Delay Tactics: Reimbursement takes so long you forget they owe you money.
- Power Dynamics: Keeps the peasants humble while kings drink champagne.
It’s not finance. It’s fanfiction. And we’re all forced to write it.
Final Thoughts From the Reimbursement Abyss
Expense reports aren’t about accountability. They’re about bureaucracy feeding on your time. They’re novels of nonsense, receipts as plot devices, rejection emails as cliffhangers.
Meanwhile, executives are out here writing blank checks to themselves. But sure — let’s interrogate my $6 latte like it’s Watergate.
Ken Hollow, unpaid novelist of receipts, rejected author of sandwich epics
Hi. I’m Ken. I run Two Second Solutions, a one-man agency that somehow landed a fox spirit influencer as a client. I drink too much coffee, blog when I need to vent, and regularly update my résumé just in case she sets the office on fire again. I’m not crying — it’s just spell residue.